Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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