I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
