I wish life had little blips of pornography
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
