before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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