did you get engaged???
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
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my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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