im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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