you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
