after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
