you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
