Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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