Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Of course I have a pirate flag
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
