if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
