How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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