Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
