Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
