i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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