there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....