Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
two words...techno handjob
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
