Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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