When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize