I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
