I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
