I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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