I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
