i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
