Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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