R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
