are you still at the devil's house?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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