i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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