Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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