i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
