At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
