last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
