someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
why is half of my head shaved?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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