I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
