By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
