do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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