WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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