i already hear my dad disowning me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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