i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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