You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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