I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
