The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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