Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
