I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
