My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
