Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
