the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
