I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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