You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
