this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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