they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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