my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
