I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
