my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
