You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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