If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
