there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
