I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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