My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
